wow. i dont believe i've ever been this confused in my life. the one thing i wish would have been true ages ago way back at the beginning of the year, the thing that i was told was a lie to cover up the feelings he had from the past, the one thing that helped create the good days at the beginning of the year when almost everything was dead, turns out to be true?? like wtf? ugh, fml. i had fallen so hard for him and then he just continued to crush me down to almost nothing, ends it saying i was just a rebound girl and is now telling me this?? what do i do!? how should i feel? i dont know at all. the things that used to be are now resurfacing after months of being burried to get over the hurt that was caused, and i honestly dont know what to do or how to feel... for once in my life i feel completely helpless and lost with my emotions. the words and broken promises of the past are resurfacing so quickly now i feel as though i'm drowning, and quickly.... and this isnt helping <.< everlong just started playing on pandora FML everytime i hear this song i cry, i cant help but let the tears fall down. why the fuck does life have to throw all the curve balls at me knowing that i'm going to strike out and miss? like, i dont know whether to trust what he's saying or not. he admitted to using me as a rebound and to using me until him and emily finished their "break" that they were apparently having. and it seems like now that he's striked out on every other girl he's coming back to me <.< and do i love him, yes and i will always have a spot in my heart for him but the love that i had for him slowly dwindled away to almost nothing with everything that happened. and the guy that i've loved for 2 years and never really wanted to admit to it is finally mine, and i'm finally his.... this is just sooo confusing. i.... i just don't know how to feel with this. and he's saying he's changed and everything, but how am i soppossed to know? how do i know if he's just trying to play me again? or if he's just trying to use me to get buy until he can get with the next girl that he knows..... this is crazy fucking bullshit that life is giving me; i've been completely happy and worry free for 3 months now, and it decides to throw this curve ball at me... i hope i dont strike out and miss like i've always done.
i just wish he would explain to me everything that he's trying to tell me... why he loves me now when he said he didnt 5 months ago, why he never told me he loved me if he loved me all along, and why is he telling me this now, after all this time, after all the tears, after all the cuts..............why??
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Holy Flying Monkeys, it's been ages
well, it's been forever since i've posted on here. like wow lol. lots of shit has happend too. like, me moving to el paso, yeah fun right?? <sarcasm/> oh and did i mention that there are NO islanders at my school <.< it's really depressing. i love islanders. i've been at school for a week now and still no friends, me and my damn socially ackward self. hmmm. i made friends with emily again, basically told her what all happend and we're cool now. me and ian, doing freagin great. there hasnt been one bad day for me since july 3rd, nor has there been any argument (other than when one or the other needs to sleep instead of talking lol). bllahh i really dont know what to say gosh. ummm, school scheduel?? yes. let's see theres: AP US History, Digital Design, Engineering Design and Presentation, ROTC III, AP English III, Pre AP Pre' Cal, Pre' AP Physics, German II, and one other thing i cant remember right now lol. yeah... mind is drawing a blank so Auf Weidersehn
Monday, July 4, 2011
Han Solo and the Millenium Falcon
oh my god!!!!!!! i'm am sooo fucking happy f:
first things first, i need to say thanks to john because i dont think without the relationship that we had, i would have never fallen on my ass and would have never realized what was right in front of my face for 2 years straight. THANK YOU JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
for 2 years straight, Ian Brown has always been there for me, no matter if it was the crappiest day ever or if i was pissed off at everyone, he was the only person who would get me to talk and spill out my guts. for 2 years straight, i had a crush on him but i never knew he had one on me until some things happened (which shall stay buried like we agreed) and i almost lost him. after i finally got a FB, i added him immediatly and once again, our friendship exploded. he was the only person who was truly there for me when john and i were having our issues the first go around and telling me things to do that i should have done but didn't, and he was the only one truly there for me when john ended it. day after day, 730 + days, he was there for me. and i was there for him, always helping and getting him to spill his guts and there for him to talk to. as the days continued to burry me in the completely stupid thoughts of "what could have been with john", he was there helping me to open my eyes to what really was, there to help build back up my strength, my self esteem, my love for things, he was there for me. and after i got over john about 3 weeks after the break up, i appologized to ian and let him know everything that i had been holding in, the only thing that i had kept a secret from him, because the years before i thought he either didnt like me like that or never would. it turns out he did, and not only did he like me, but he was in love with me as i was in love with him as well.
never have i met someone who has had as much in common with me as he does, and never have i had a friend that i havent had one fight with. ian is my best friend in the whole world. we have no secrets, share everything, etc. it took me 2 weeks to notice him and 2 years to realized i was in love with him ("not love at first sight, but love after 2 weeks"). and we both agree that this is why every relationship that we had crashed and burned or just didnt work out, because it wasnt us with each other. ian makes me feel like i'm actually worth something and has given me the feeling of being loved in 2 years than anyone in my family has given me in my whole life. i dont know what i would have done without him these past 2 years, i really dont. like freshman year, i had not valentine (like all years before) and ian showed up at my house with this little basket thing that had 2 teddybears together. i kept the bears for up to a few weeks ago when my puppy decided to have it as a toy :/ those lil bears were soo important to me, not because it was a v'day gift but because it came from ian. and yesterday 03 july 2011, i remembered he sent me a message on FB that said this:
he's my bestie, my juggalo, my love, the keeper of my heart, my everything. we're like han solo and the millenium falcon, inseperable
there's one thing that he told me that will always ring in my head
"i know you've fallen for me, and i dont see why, but dont worry, i'll catch you"
this juggalette is in love <3 has been and will be for a while, like foreverz
RAWR IAN ALEXANDER BROWN <3 lol
MMFCL4L
first things first, i need to say thanks to john because i dont think without the relationship that we had, i would have never fallen on my ass and would have never realized what was right in front of my face for 2 years straight. THANK YOU JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
for 2 years straight, Ian Brown has always been there for me, no matter if it was the crappiest day ever or if i was pissed off at everyone, he was the only person who would get me to talk and spill out my guts. for 2 years straight, i had a crush on him but i never knew he had one on me until some things happened (which shall stay buried like we agreed) and i almost lost him. after i finally got a FB, i added him immediatly and once again, our friendship exploded. he was the only person who was truly there for me when john and i were having our issues the first go around and telling me things to do that i should have done but didn't, and he was the only one truly there for me when john ended it. day after day, 730 + days, he was there for me. and i was there for him, always helping and getting him to spill his guts and there for him to talk to. as the days continued to burry me in the completely stupid thoughts of "what could have been with john", he was there helping me to open my eyes to what really was, there to help build back up my strength, my self esteem, my love for things, he was there for me. and after i got over john about 3 weeks after the break up, i appologized to ian and let him know everything that i had been holding in, the only thing that i had kept a secret from him, because the years before i thought he either didnt like me like that or never would. it turns out he did, and not only did he like me, but he was in love with me as i was in love with him as well.
never have i met someone who has had as much in common with me as he does, and never have i had a friend that i havent had one fight with. ian is my best friend in the whole world. we have no secrets, share everything, etc. it took me 2 weeks to notice him and 2 years to realized i was in love with him ("not love at first sight, but love after 2 weeks"). and we both agree that this is why every relationship that we had crashed and burned or just didnt work out, because it wasnt us with each other. ian makes me feel like i'm actually worth something and has given me the feeling of being loved in 2 years than anyone in my family has given me in my whole life. i dont know what i would have done without him these past 2 years, i really dont. like freshman year, i had not valentine (like all years before) and ian showed up at my house with this little basket thing that had 2 teddybears together. i kept the bears for up to a few weeks ago when my puppy decided to have it as a toy :/ those lil bears were soo important to me, not because it was a v'day gift but because it came from ian. and yesterday 03 july 2011, i remembered he sent me a message on FB that said this:
Amber... I've been thinking about it... a lot... and, well, I know you say you're over that guy... but I know you probably want time to move on... so, when you are ready and comfortable with answering, let me know...
Will you go out with me?
and i said yes yesterday. the best decision i have made in yearsWill you go out with me?
he's my bestie, my juggalo, my love, the keeper of my heart, my everything. we're like han solo and the millenium falcon, inseperable
there's one thing that he told me that will always ring in my head
"i know you've fallen for me, and i dont see why, but dont worry, i'll catch you"
this juggalette is in love <3 has been and will be for a while, like foreverz
RAWR IAN ALEXANDER BROWN <3 lol
MMFCL4L
Monday, June 27, 2011
i was soooo freagin close
just when i thought i was close to being out of the hell hole, i got pushed right back into it. i was trying to find a shirt to wear and i found one... didn't realize that his jacket would still smell the same after being washed so many times, and the shrit had that smell :/ i burst into tears. and then to top it all off, my predictions were right. a few days before he ended it with me, he was talking with vanessa like he was talkin with me the first time we started talking... then he ended it with me and his tlk with her continued, and i told her just wait about a month or 2 and he'll ask you out. low and behold, it happened. i'm not gonna stop her cuz i want her to be happy, but if she gets hurt in anyway, he's fucking dead. he's hurt plenty of others and i dont need to have vanessa go through another joshua. if you read this john, and if u 2 do start, do not hurt her.
and to top it all off, the days before the move seem to be dragging on. anxiety is building up and i feel like an attack is coming up soon :/ i dont want to move. i have too many people here that actually care about me, but then again, if i move, i might be able to finally rid people from my system. brandon is going to be going there, and he's been my friend since my first day in this god forsaken state.
and i have come to the final decision that for my 18th b'day, i am going to meet andy sixx. idc what i have to do to do it, i am going to!
but back to meh feelings...
there are days that i feel like i'm just withering away and like i've grown numb to any feeling; i mean, there just isnt any yearn for connection with people lately and the only person that i have had any "connection" with is like my best friend. i'm freagin glad that i have him to talk to because i dont think i would have been able to keep away from some bad things without his help. thanks I.A.B. this feeling of numbness is not usually who i am; i havent been caring about much lately and i feel like all i want to do is just curl up into a ball and fade away. there are days where it just seems like a blur, people are talking to me but i'm not here; i'm somewhere else.
i'm tired of having to learn how to walk again. for about 4 weeks, i actually had a pretty good self esteem and then it all just crashed down. i havent even tried to pick it back up since, and no matter what a few of my friends say, it just isnt working.
then there's that damn phrase "you cant move on until you find someone better than ur ex". really? that phrase just pissed me the fuck off. why? it makes every person who you have been involved with since that one ex feel like complete shit and like a complete waist of time. i have seen too many of my friends use this phrase and it is pissing me off.
UGH!!!
can anyone help me say...
FML!
idk what to do anymore. idk where to go. idk anything anymore
and to top it all off, the days before the move seem to be dragging on. anxiety is building up and i feel like an attack is coming up soon :/ i dont want to move. i have too many people here that actually care about me, but then again, if i move, i might be able to finally rid people from my system. brandon is going to be going there, and he's been my friend since my first day in this god forsaken state.
and i have come to the final decision that for my 18th b'day, i am going to meet andy sixx. idc what i have to do to do it, i am going to!
but back to meh feelings...
there are days that i feel like i'm just withering away and like i've grown numb to any feeling; i mean, there just isnt any yearn for connection with people lately and the only person that i have had any "connection" with is like my best friend. i'm freagin glad that i have him to talk to because i dont think i would have been able to keep away from some bad things without his help. thanks I.A.B. this feeling of numbness is not usually who i am; i havent been caring about much lately and i feel like all i want to do is just curl up into a ball and fade away. there are days where it just seems like a blur, people are talking to me but i'm not here; i'm somewhere else.
i'm tired of having to learn how to walk again. for about 4 weeks, i actually had a pretty good self esteem and then it all just crashed down. i havent even tried to pick it back up since, and no matter what a few of my friends say, it just isnt working.
then there's that damn phrase "you cant move on until you find someone better than ur ex". really? that phrase just pissed me the fuck off. why? it makes every person who you have been involved with since that one ex feel like complete shit and like a complete waist of time. i have seen too many of my friends use this phrase and it is pissing me off.
UGH!!!
can anyone help me say...
FML!
idk what to do anymore. idk where to go. idk anything anymore
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
still crying~an original poem by me
I try to write,my hands are shaking
I can't tell you,my heart is breaking
And with every smile that I'm faking
With every forced,choking breath I'm taking
I find these acted-out rituals are making
Me feel better,piece by piece
I'm regaining me
My hands still shake and my heart is shattered
My eyes are red and my body's battered
But it's over,I'm not dying anymore
So what am I still crying for?
I can't tell you,my heart is breaking
And with every smile that I'm faking
With every forced,choking breath I'm taking
I find these acted-out rituals are making
Me feel better,piece by piece
I'm regaining me
My hands still shake and my heart is shattered
My eyes are red and my body's battered
But it's over,I'm not dying anymore
So what am I still crying for?
wake me up, please :/
so i broke down again earlier about moving. ppl keep making this harder and harder to leave. and another thing that made me break down was the question am i really over him? god i want to be and i thought i was, but what if i'm not? today was the crappiest day ever and then he messaged me and it was like poof, the crappiness was gone. idk wtf to do anymore. i fell so fucking hard for him to only wake up and realize it was all a dream. and everytime i put it onto an online radio, some song comes up that reminds me of him. how do i open my eyes after that dream though? it was the best damn 28 days that i can ever remember. and it was mostly my fault for it's ending. after what happened, i got a lil clingy because i was worrying, and i feel soo stupid because of it. i still have the damn appology letter from him that he sent me after emilee told me and he admitted to it. like the other day, my mom was gonna get me a foo fighters shirt and i almost burst into tears because the first thing that popped into my head was us singing everlong together while we watched them live on the letterman. and i can barely listen to my favorite band, seconhand serenade, without listening to my favorite song by them, fall for you, because that was our song. god, i need to fucking wake up! idc how, but please, someone wake me up. i'm tired of faking this smile for everyone, tired of holding back tears when something reminds me, tired of acting happy. i need to be woken up from this dream or nightmare, which ever it is because it's killing me.
of all the things that i've wanted in my life, the want for this dream to end has surpassed it all.
and to think, it all started with a simple picture.
it all started with morning glory
of all the things that i've wanted in my life, the want for this dream to end has surpassed it all.
and to think, it all started with a simple picture.
it all started with morning glory
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