just when i thought i was close to being out of the hell hole, i got pushed right back into it. i was trying to find a shirt to wear and i found one... didn't realize that his jacket would still smell the same after being washed so many times, and the shrit had that smell :/ i burst into tears. and then to top it all off, my predictions were right. a few days before he ended it with me, he was talking with vanessa like he was talkin with me the first time we started talking... then he ended it with me and his tlk with her continued, and i told her just wait about a month or 2 and he'll ask you out. low and behold, it happened. i'm not gonna stop her cuz i want her to be happy, but if she gets hurt in anyway, he's fucking dead. he's hurt plenty of others and i dont need to have vanessa go through another joshua. if you read this john, and if u 2 do start, do not hurt her.
and to top it all off, the days before the move seem to be dragging on. anxiety is building up and i feel like an attack is coming up soon :/ i dont want to move. i have too many people here that actually care about me, but then again, if i move, i might be able to finally rid people from my system. brandon is going to be going there, and he's been my friend since my first day in this god forsaken state.
and i have come to the final decision that for my 18th b'day, i am going to meet andy sixx. idc what i have to do to do it, i am going to!
but back to meh feelings...
there are days that i feel like i'm just withering away and like i've grown numb to any feeling; i mean, there just isnt any yearn for connection with people lately and the only person that i have had any "connection" with is like my best friend. i'm freagin glad that i have him to talk to because i dont think i would have been able to keep away from some bad things without his help. thanks I.A.B. this feeling of numbness is not usually who i am; i havent been caring about much lately and i feel like all i want to do is just curl up into a ball and fade away. there are days where it just seems like a blur, people are talking to me but i'm not here; i'm somewhere else.
i'm tired of having to learn how to walk again. for about 4 weeks, i actually had a pretty good self esteem and then it all just crashed down. i havent even tried to pick it back up since, and no matter what a few of my friends say, it just isnt working.
then there's that damn phrase "you cant move on until you find someone better than ur ex". really? that phrase just pissed me the fuck off. why? it makes every person who you have been involved with since that one ex feel like complete shit and like a complete waist of time. i have seen too many of my friends use this phrase and it is pissing me off.
UGH!!!
can anyone help me say...
FML!
idk what to do anymore. idk where to go. idk anything anymore
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