i was soooo freagin close

just when i thought i was close to being out of the hell hole, i got pushed right back into it. i was trying to find a shirt to wear and i found one... didn't realize that his jacket would still smell the same after being washed so many times, and the shrit had that smell :/ i burst into tears. and then to top it all off, my predictions were right. a few days before he ended it with me, he was talking with vanessa like he was talkin with me the first time we started talking... then he ended it with me and his tlk with her continued, and i told her just wait about a month or 2 and he'll ask you out. low and behold, it happened. i'm not gonna stop her cuz i want her to be happy, but if she gets hurt in anyway, he's fucking dead. he's hurt plenty of others and i dont need to have vanessa go through another joshua. if you read this john, and if u 2 do start, do not hurt her.

and to top it all off, the days before the move seem to be dragging on. anxiety is building up and i feel like  an attack is coming up soon :/ i dont want to move. i have too many people here that actually care about me, but then again, if i move, i might be able to finally rid people from my system. brandon is going to be going there, and he's been my friend since my first day in this god forsaken state.

and i have come to the final decision that for my 18th b'day, i am going to meet andy sixx. idc what i have to do to do it, i am going to!

but back to meh feelings...

there are days that i feel like i'm just withering away and like i've grown numb to any feeling; i mean, there just isnt any yearn for connection with people lately and the only person that i have had any "connection" with is like my best friend. i'm freagin glad that i have him to talk to because i dont think i would have been able to keep away from some bad things without his help. thanks I.A.B. this feeling of numbness is not usually who i am; i havent been caring about much lately and i feel like all i want to do is just curl up into a ball and fade away. there are days where it just seems like a blur, people are talking to me but i'm not here; i'm somewhere else.
i'm tired of having to learn how to walk again. for about 4 weeks, i actually had a pretty good self esteem and then it all just crashed down. i havent even tried to pick it back up since, and no matter what a few of my friends say, it just isnt working.

then there's that damn phrase "you cant move on until you find someone better than ur ex". really? that phrase just pissed me the fuck off. why? it makes every person who you have been involved with since that one ex feel like complete shit and like a complete waist of time. i have seen too many of my friends use this phrase and it is pissing me off.
UGH!!!
can anyone help me say...
FML!


idk what to do anymore. idk where to go. idk anything anymore

still crying~an original poem by me

I try to write,my hands are shaking
I can't tell you,my heart is breaking
And with every smile that I'm faking
With every forced,choking breath I'm taking
I find these acted-out rituals are making
Me feel better,piece by piece
I'm regaining me

My hands still shake and my heart is shattered
My eyes are red and my body's battered
But it's over,I'm not dying anymore
So what am I still crying for?

wake me up, please :/

so i broke down again earlier about moving. ppl keep making this harder and harder to leave. and another thing that made me break down was the question am i really over him? god i want to be and i thought i was, but what if i'm not? today was the crappiest day ever and then he messaged me and it was like poof, the crappiness was gone. idk wtf to do anymore. i fell so fucking hard for him to only wake up and realize it was all a dream. and everytime i put it onto an online radio, some song comes up that reminds me of him. how do i open my eyes after that dream though? it was the best damn 28 days that i can ever remember. and it was mostly my fault for it's ending. after what happened, i got a lil clingy because i was worrying, and i feel soo stupid because of it. i still have the damn appology letter from him that he sent me after emilee told me and he admitted to it. like the other day, my mom was gonna get me a foo fighters shirt and i almost burst into tears because the first thing that popped into my head was us singing everlong together while we watched them live on the letterman. and i can barely listen to my favorite band, seconhand serenade, without listening to my favorite song by them, fall for you, because that was our song. god, i need to fucking wake up! idc how, but please, someone wake me up. i'm tired of faking this smile for everyone, tired of holding back tears when something reminds me, tired of acting happy. i need to be woken up from this dream or nightmare, which ever it is because it's killing me.

of all the things that i've wanted in my life, the want for this dream to end has surpassed it all.

and to think, it all started with a simple picture.

it all started with morning glory

Escape the Fate~ Harder Than You Know

You said this could only get better
There's no rush cause we have each other
You said this would last forever
But now I doubt if I was your only lover

[Pre-Chorus]
Are we just lost in time?
I wonder if your love's the same
Cause I'm not over you

[Chorus]
Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
Cause girl you're driving me so crazy

[Verse]
How can I miss you if you never would stay?
If you need time I guess I'll go away (I'll go away)
Inside me now there's only heartache and pain
So where's the fire? You've become the rain

[Pre-Chorus]
Are we just lost in time?
I wonder if your love's the same
Cause I'm not over you

[Chorus]
Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
Girl you're driving me so crazy

And if you don't want me than
I guess I'll have to go (I guess I'll have to go)
Not loving you is harder than you know
(Yeah)

[Pre-Solo]
So I'll make the call
And I'll leave today
I'm gonna miss you cause I love you baby

And I'll make the call
I'm leaving today
And leaving always drives me crazy

Leaving always drives me crazy

[Chorus]
Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
(Yeah)

Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
Cause girl you're driving me so crazy

And if you don't want me than
I guess I'll have to go
Not loving you is harder than you know
Girl You're driving me so crazy

[Outro]
Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
Cause girl you're driving me so crazy

Already Gone~an original poem by me... I had a moment the other day and flashed back :/

I don't know what's going on,
I don't understand,
Where did we go wrong?
Why did you leave me?
It was my fault, I know…
But why?
Did I upset you in some way?
Or did I just stay the same,
For too long?
What did I do wrong?
Should I change?
Could I change…?
Just for you… I could change…
Please, just give me another chance,
Please, I promise I'll be different,
I promise I won't hurt you,
I promise…
Please just take me back…
But… you're already gone.

I Have My Second Wing~an original poem by me

I stood so long upon the ground,
Staring longingly at the stars,
But no more dreams, my wings are found,
I've found a way to heal my scars,
For so long I've been in hell,
But now I have my wings,
You've released me from this painful spell,
And now I know just what love brings.
You've always been there to guide my way,
Watching quietly from above,
Now you've shown me the light of day,
Showing me a thing called love.
No longer are the stars so far from me,
For now, If I try i can go,
But there's nowhere else I'd rather be,
For compared to you, the stars don't glow.
So extend to me your slender arm,
Give to me your sweet soft hand,
I'll give in to your sweet charm,
I'll give in to my hearts demand.
Now you're here to show me the light,
You're the only one that I could ever need,
Day has finally come unto my night,
Together we've planted love's fragile seed.
I ask only for your help as it does grow,
And now I thank you for your love's gift.
What lies ahead only the gods know,
But I pray this situation shall not shift.
Even if the world becmes your foe,
I'll stay forever by your side.
It was you that healed my woe,
and has healed the tears I've cried.
So here it is that I proclaim my love,
I'll use my wings to fly to you, once so very far above.