I looked in the mirror today.
I used to think,
that maybe,
if I looked hard enough,
I'd find something beautiful.
(I almost thought I did, once.)
But that was back when you loved me.
Now, that tiny hint,
of what might have just been,
beauty,
is gone.
(Now theres only the ghost.)
Shes more faded then before,
the girl staring back at me,
with the haunted,
empty eyes.
(Nothings left.)
The flames are gone.
The sunlight is gone.
The heat is gone,
now there is just cold,
concealing darkness.
(Shes surrendering.)
She just wants to fade,
fade into the dark,
with the ghosts of old memories,
old feelings,
faded hopes,
and broken dreams.
(She fits in. Faded and broken.)
She feels,
as if,
she belongs there.
Nowhere else.
No light,
No love,
No heat,
just pain and moonlight wishes,
and a darkness that swallows things up,
and hides them.
(She wishes the darkness would swallow her.)
Shes nothing but a shell,
anyways,
a nobody,
a sad, lonely shadow.
Nothing.
(Nothing but a ghost of who she was.)
But life isn't it reverse,
she can't stop time,
or go back in it,
and stop things from happening.
(She wishes she could.)
She wishes she could have gone back in time,
and stopped herself,
from ever falling in love.
(But wishes don't come true.)
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
just friends... ~an original poem by me
You told me we'll be together forever.
You lied.
I tried so hard to hold our love together
You didn't care.
You ran off and left me here.
You told me we need to be just friends.
But I don't want to.
I still love you.
I still want you.
We don't have to be just friends.
But if you want that, I'm good with that.
There's no excuse for the mistake I made
My mistake for loving you.
They told me you weren't good enough.
They told me you would hurt me.
Guess what?
They were right.
They were so right.
We have to be friends.
But do you still want to?
Can we really be just that?
Will we be enemies instead?
I still remember the moment we meet,
It's a painful memory.
But it's also happy.
Your smile,
Your first look at me,
Your voice.
I miss it.
I miss you.
Your hand isn't in mine,
Your body isn't against mine,
Your lips aren't touching mine.
We aren't together anymore.
It's time to be just friends.
You lied.
I tried so hard to hold our love together
You didn't care.
You ran off and left me here.
You told me we need to be just friends.
But I don't want to.
I still love you.
I still want you.
We don't have to be just friends.
But if you want that, I'm good with that.
There's no excuse for the mistake I made
My mistake for loving you.
They told me you weren't good enough.
They told me you would hurt me.
Guess what?
They were right.
They were so right.
We have to be friends.
But do you still want to?
Can we really be just that?
Will we be enemies instead?
I still remember the moment we meet,
It's a painful memory.
But it's also happy.
Your smile,
Your first look at me,
Your voice.
I miss it.
I miss you.
Your hand isn't in mine,
Your body isn't against mine,
Your lips aren't touching mine.
We aren't together anymore.
It's time to be just friends.
FUCKING HATE THIS
it's official... i've lost everything
i put everything on the line just to be with him, hell just to help him get over Her. and what do i get in return? his sis thinks that i'm clingy and they both think that it was just a rebound relationship... and if that was really true, then why the fuck did he start his "hypothetical" talks with me. and why the fuck did he wait until 2 DAYS BEFORE A MONTH?????
i had a fucking panic attack this morning. i log onto facebook and the first thing that comes up onto my news feed is "johny roxas went from in a relationship to being single".
everyone except one perosn, Noah W. (who i barly know) told me today that he wasn't good for me. really? i was so much happier, alive, free when i was with him. and if he wasn't any good, why didn't you tell me before?
i honestly can't take this anymore. I FUCKING LOVE YOU JOHN, i put everything on the line for you, everything. i promised you things that i inteneded to keep, and saying that "I love you" is something that i don't say just for the hell of it. and you say that "you don't know if you really love me or not" wtf!?! you can't do that to someone, especially with the shit that i've been through, with your pittiful 9m whatever # days, i had a 3 year,7 month, 6 day relationship, and it hurt a lot for it to end, but i realized after 2 months that he was only trying to hurt me and get with my best friend. idk why you couldn't wrap it around your head that i wasn't going to hurt you, ever. that i was always there for you when She wasn't. that i never thought about cheating or anyother person when i started talking to you. that i wiped out all of the past just to start over again and be with you. i blocked out people so that i wouldn't hear their plees for me to not be with you, i ignored the signs that it was too early when you asked me at the ball. i should have just said no to you. i should have known that this was going to happen, because i don't know why the fuck i was expecting to get a break from life, or actually believe that wishing at 11:11 every night was going to work. when we first started talking, i would wish to be your girlfriend, and after we got together, i wished for nothing to ever happen to us.
you promised me sooo many things and i was foolish to believe that you would follow through because i knew, once again, it was too early.
maybe my mom is right, i'll end up all alone because no one can ever put up with a stupid, ugly and strong minded person like me.
the one ray of light that i get in my life was extinguished this morning, and i find out through FB?
childish on the highest level.
i love you john, and i always will. i will be praying for the day that you come back becaue you are the only person that i've ever connected to like i did. you are the only one who sees the real me, who cared for me when i needed someone there. the only guy my parents liked
and you wanna know what really topped it all off? my mom pulled out the military ball pics about 2 hours ago and said, "you know, i wouldn't mind if john asked you to be his girlfriend"
and remember all the things we talked about late at night? about growing old together? was it all just lies? was it just to see how far you could push me over the edge when you ended it?
i don't understand.
UGH!!!! i wish i could just fucking go away. is there someone trying to tell me that i really don't belong here? or are you just trying to get a good laugh?
John, please come back.
always, no doubt, remember that?
i put everything on the line just to be with him, hell just to help him get over Her. and what do i get in return? his sis thinks that i'm clingy and they both think that it was just a rebound relationship... and if that was really true, then why the fuck did he start his "hypothetical" talks with me. and why the fuck did he wait until 2 DAYS BEFORE A MONTH?????
i had a fucking panic attack this morning. i log onto facebook and the first thing that comes up onto my news feed is "johny roxas went from in a relationship to being single".
everyone except one perosn, Noah W. (who i barly know) told me today that he wasn't good for me. really? i was so much happier, alive, free when i was with him. and if he wasn't any good, why didn't you tell me before?
i honestly can't take this anymore. I FUCKING LOVE YOU JOHN, i put everything on the line for you, everything. i promised you things that i inteneded to keep, and saying that "I love you" is something that i don't say just for the hell of it. and you say that "you don't know if you really love me or not" wtf!?! you can't do that to someone, especially with the shit that i've been through, with your pittiful 9m whatever # days, i had a 3 year,7 month, 6 day relationship, and it hurt a lot for it to end, but i realized after 2 months that he was only trying to hurt me and get with my best friend. idk why you couldn't wrap it around your head that i wasn't going to hurt you, ever. that i was always there for you when She wasn't. that i never thought about cheating or anyother person when i started talking to you. that i wiped out all of the past just to start over again and be with you. i blocked out people so that i wouldn't hear their plees for me to not be with you, i ignored the signs that it was too early when you asked me at the ball. i should have just said no to you. i should have known that this was going to happen, because i don't know why the fuck i was expecting to get a break from life, or actually believe that wishing at 11:11 every night was going to work. when we first started talking, i would wish to be your girlfriend, and after we got together, i wished for nothing to ever happen to us.
you promised me sooo many things and i was foolish to believe that you would follow through because i knew, once again, it was too early.
maybe my mom is right, i'll end up all alone because no one can ever put up with a stupid, ugly and strong minded person like me.
the one ray of light that i get in my life was extinguished this morning, and i find out through FB?
childish on the highest level.
i love you john, and i always will. i will be praying for the day that you come back becaue you are the only person that i've ever connected to like i did. you are the only one who sees the real me, who cared for me when i needed someone there. the only guy my parents liked
and you wanna know what really topped it all off? my mom pulled out the military ball pics about 2 hours ago and said, "you know, i wouldn't mind if john asked you to be his girlfriend"
and remember all the things we talked about late at night? about growing old together? was it all just lies? was it just to see how far you could push me over the edge when you ended it?
i don't understand.
UGH!!!! i wish i could just fucking go away. is there someone trying to tell me that i really don't belong here? or are you just trying to get a good laugh?
John, please come back.
always, no doubt, remember that?
promises broken
well since promises have been broken, it looks like it's my turn
i haven't done it since i promised him i wouldn't but i guess that's what i really need right now... that river that takes the edge off the real pain
FML!
i fucking love him, and "he's not sure if it's love love or just the rebound" wtf?!?!?!
i guess my mom was right, i'll never find anyone to be with, i'll live all by my self and die alone.
looks like i am just to bothersome for people.
I am now back into the pit of hell that i was born in, and it looks like i'll stay there. the only thing that pulled me out was him, and without him, i'm only deeper into it.
please come back.
i haven't done it since i promised him i wouldn't but i guess that's what i really need right now... that river that takes the edge off the real pain
FML!
i fucking love him, and "he's not sure if it's love love or just the rebound" wtf?!?!?!
i guess my mom was right, i'll never find anyone to be with, i'll live all by my self and die alone.
looks like i am just to bothersome for people.
I am now back into the pit of hell that i was born in, and it looks like i'll stay there. the only thing that pulled me out was him, and without him, i'm only deeper into it.
please come back.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
thoughts over the past few days
have you ever just sat down and thought about life... your past, your present, your future? well this post may be a long one so if you're reading it, i feel sorry for you lol... these are all thoughts from the past couple of days coming out
looking back on the past:
i was watching the neighbors playing with their son in the back yard and i wondered, where was my childhood? i never really had one when i think about it. i never had time to play out side, i didn't have any friends, i wasn't liked, i was never the one with the clothes from the mall, etc. i was the girl that had to be an adult in my "childhood"... i was cooking and cleaning by the time i was 9. i had to watch my lil bro while my older sis and older bro went to visit their biological father for the weekends that they saw him while my mom worked; i was put into advanced classes and was piled down with homework; i never had any gaming system; i didn't go to sleepovers or birthday parties (mostly because i wasn't invited); i never threw any of them either; there were some BIG issues that happened when i was in 2nd grade, and i mean BIG; my older sis and bro decided to live with their biological father and left the family; my step dad asked my mom to marry him and we were put back into the life of the army (my mom is an army veterian); moved to new york 3 weeks into 4th grade year, spent 3 months in a hotel and missed those months for school, found a school, stayed there for about half the year and moved back down to georgia for the rest of 4th grade year; lived on an (ch)air force base for 4 years being made fun of, ridiculed, mocked, pushed, etc. the whole time... hit a major tomboy stage in 7th grade because of it... the day of school ending in 7th grade, we hit the road and move out here in texas. 8th grade is where i found myself again, but i was still made fun of, rumors started, etc. it's where i figured out that i really did hate being a teenager and that the school years are going to drag on... i still didn't wear clothes from the mall, didn't have any real friends, wasn't liked, the one who had homework done ahead of time and new everything before everyone else, etc.; didn't really have anything
got my first phone freshman year, a prehistoric sprint katana that barly works and is only for "emergencies"; etc.
Present:
wow... the present. my dreams and wishes are starting to come true, but not all of them.
the ones that are coming true: i found out that i can be a pilot for the army; i am in advanced classes and have some people in them that have the same knowledge level as me (not lower); i have 4 great and amazing friends that are always there for me when i need it (yes, this includes john); I FELL IN LOVE/ I'M IN LOVE with John Philip Marcelo Roxas (the only guy that i can be my full self with, the only one i feel beautiful around, the only one i trust, the only one i've ever told i love you to, the only one i can't stop thinking about, the only one i've kept the promise to not do something with, the only one that makes my shitty days great days, the only one my parents like, the only one my lil bro likes, the only one who is there for me not matter what, the only one who admitted to cheating and has kept his promises made for his second chance, the only one that i've allowed to look into my heart, the only one who has ever had my heart, the list goes on and on and on..... I Love You John Philip Marcelo Roxas, always.); i have learned how to ignore stupidity and keep my mouth shut; i've been writing some pretty good poems/songs; i've learned how to accept my flaws for what they are and i don't try to hide them anymore; i feel comfortable with being me now; i (thanks to John) love my middle name, Elaine; i have a bestie named Jenna Lynn Cunningham; etc.
Not come true: support from my family; one week without some form of drama; my mom caring about me a lil and not just my lil bro; my dad not being deployed for my b'day (he's been gone for every birthday i've had since i was 9); cancer cure; my own profit free foundation for reoccuring small cell lung cancer; ect
Future: there are a lot of things that i can see in my future... i know i need to get a job and start saving money for the car that i want; i plan on living with John my senior year; i would love to be engaged to him soon, not just be his girlfriend, but his love for life; graduate with honors; get my career of being a U.S. Army Pilot (flying helicoptors) for at least 6 years; getting married to a soldier, having at least 2 kids ( one girl [Hayley Lucielle] and one boy [Hayden Marcelo] ); becoming a stay-at-home mom taking care of the kids and supporting my hubby; and to go into detail with the marriage thing, i would LOVE to spend the rest of my life with John, marry him, have his kids, watch our family grow, and grow old with him; i want to have a honeymoon in the Philippines and maybe live there when my hubby retires from the military; i want to die next to the one i love before he dies because i would never be able to live one day with out him; i don't want people to be sad at my funeral, i want them to be happy, to celebrate the life that we shared in what ever way it was, to remember the good times and not worry because i'd only be in a better place; etc
the lists can go on but i guess that's all i'll put on here for the past, present and future listing.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that when i look back on the past and see the crappy childhood that i had, i think that i'm glad i went through all the shit i went through because it's only made me a stronger, better person, and i dont' regret doing anything that i've done because i wouldn't be where i'm at if i hadn't done the things i did. when i look at the present, i am pretty level headed and down to earth, i don't judge people by what they do but by who they are, i love that i found "The One"/ my other half because i've been soooo happy since 2 April, 2011 at the Shoemaker Military Ball, waiting in line, sitting in a couple of chairs for the pictures..... and when i think about the future, and think about what John and I have talked about, i feel like i have a purpose in life now and that it can work.
If you read this John, I love you sooo much, and you know how you say that i pulled you out of a dark hole? well you pulled me out of a dark life, one that i thought about ending multiple times, one that i thought i'd be stuck in for forever; you put life into me. i don't know what i'd do without you babe, you're my best friend, my love, my everything. and i'm willing to wait for you, i'm willing to spend the rest of my life with you, i'm willing to do anything for you, always. there isn't anything in this world that will ever change my mind about that.
<3 2 April, 2011, Always <3
looking back on the past:
i was watching the neighbors playing with their son in the back yard and i wondered, where was my childhood? i never really had one when i think about it. i never had time to play out side, i didn't have any friends, i wasn't liked, i was never the one with the clothes from the mall, etc. i was the girl that had to be an adult in my "childhood"... i was cooking and cleaning by the time i was 9. i had to watch my lil bro while my older sis and older bro went to visit their biological father for the weekends that they saw him while my mom worked; i was put into advanced classes and was piled down with homework; i never had any gaming system; i didn't go to sleepovers or birthday parties (mostly because i wasn't invited); i never threw any of them either; there were some BIG issues that happened when i was in 2nd grade, and i mean BIG; my older sis and bro decided to live with their biological father and left the family; my step dad asked my mom to marry him and we were put back into the life of the army (my mom is an army veterian); moved to new york 3 weeks into 4th grade year, spent 3 months in a hotel and missed those months for school, found a school, stayed there for about half the year and moved back down to georgia for the rest of 4th grade year; lived on an (ch)air force base for 4 years being made fun of, ridiculed, mocked, pushed, etc. the whole time... hit a major tomboy stage in 7th grade because of it... the day of school ending in 7th grade, we hit the road and move out here in texas. 8th grade is where i found myself again, but i was still made fun of, rumors started, etc. it's where i figured out that i really did hate being a teenager and that the school years are going to drag on... i still didn't wear clothes from the mall, didn't have any real friends, wasn't liked, the one who had homework done ahead of time and new everything before everyone else, etc.; didn't really have anything
got my first phone freshman year, a prehistoric sprint katana that barly works and is only for "emergencies"; etc.
Present:
wow... the present. my dreams and wishes are starting to come true, but not all of them.
the ones that are coming true: i found out that i can be a pilot for the army; i am in advanced classes and have some people in them that have the same knowledge level as me (not lower); i have 4 great and amazing friends that are always there for me when i need it (yes, this includes john); I FELL IN LOVE/ I'M IN LOVE with John Philip Marcelo Roxas (the only guy that i can be my full self with, the only one i feel beautiful around, the only one i trust, the only one i've ever told i love you to, the only one i can't stop thinking about, the only one i've kept the promise to not do something with, the only one that makes my shitty days great days, the only one my parents like, the only one my lil bro likes, the only one who is there for me not matter what, the only one who admitted to cheating and has kept his promises made for his second chance, the only one that i've allowed to look into my heart, the only one who has ever had my heart, the list goes on and on and on..... I Love You John Philip Marcelo Roxas, always.); i have learned how to ignore stupidity and keep my mouth shut; i've been writing some pretty good poems/songs; i've learned how to accept my flaws for what they are and i don't try to hide them anymore; i feel comfortable with being me now; i (thanks to John) love my middle name, Elaine; i have a bestie named Jenna Lynn Cunningham; etc.
Not come true: support from my family; one week without some form of drama; my mom caring about me a lil and not just my lil bro; my dad not being deployed for my b'day (he's been gone for every birthday i've had since i was 9); cancer cure; my own profit free foundation for reoccuring small cell lung cancer; ect
Future: there are a lot of things that i can see in my future... i know i need to get a job and start saving money for the car that i want; i plan on living with John my senior year; i would love to be engaged to him soon, not just be his girlfriend, but his love for life; graduate with honors; get my career of being a U.S. Army Pilot (flying helicoptors) for at least 6 years; getting married to a soldier, having at least 2 kids ( one girl [Hayley Lucielle] and one boy [Hayden Marcelo] ); becoming a stay-at-home mom taking care of the kids and supporting my hubby; and to go into detail with the marriage thing, i would LOVE to spend the rest of my life with John, marry him, have his kids, watch our family grow, and grow old with him; i want to have a honeymoon in the Philippines and maybe live there when my hubby retires from the military; i want to die next to the one i love before he dies because i would never be able to live one day with out him; i don't want people to be sad at my funeral, i want them to be happy, to celebrate the life that we shared in what ever way it was, to remember the good times and not worry because i'd only be in a better place; etc
the lists can go on but i guess that's all i'll put on here for the past, present and future listing.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that when i look back on the past and see the crappy childhood that i had, i think that i'm glad i went through all the shit i went through because it's only made me a stronger, better person, and i dont' regret doing anything that i've done because i wouldn't be where i'm at if i hadn't done the things i did. when i look at the present, i am pretty level headed and down to earth, i don't judge people by what they do but by who they are, i love that i found "The One"/ my other half because i've been soooo happy since 2 April, 2011 at the Shoemaker Military Ball, waiting in line, sitting in a couple of chairs for the pictures..... and when i think about the future, and think about what John and I have talked about, i feel like i have a purpose in life now and that it can work.
If you read this John, I love you sooo much, and you know how you say that i pulled you out of a dark hole? well you pulled me out of a dark life, one that i thought about ending multiple times, one that i thought i'd be stuck in for forever; you put life into me. i don't know what i'd do without you babe, you're my best friend, my love, my everything. and i'm willing to wait for you, i'm willing to spend the rest of my life with you, i'm willing to do anything for you, always. there isn't anything in this world that will ever change my mind about that.
<3 2 April, 2011, Always <3
Saturday, April 23, 2011
3 weeks
It's only been 3 weeks; 3 weeks of perfection with it's little bumps; 3 weeks of being with my best friend. I can't believe that it's ONLY been 3 weeks because it feels like it's been months. Today was really screwed up though. Last week, John asked my mom if we could go to the movies today; she said yes and so did my dad (which never happens). So John called me today to make sure that we could still go to the movies, and what does my mom say? "oh, well we need to save money, blah, blah, blah..." which is a bunch of bull. and then after that, about an hour after, she comes home with my lil bro from his tennis match and we go out to get food... I was so lost because if we are trying "to save money" then why the hell did we go out to eat??? it pissed me off so much that i didn't eat, and i was in tears when we got home. i haven't really talked to her since earlier when it happened but i'll be talkin to her in the morning. We aren't going to be doing anything on Easter tomorrow and John asked me if it was okay if he asked my mom if we could hang together then. I told him to call my mom and hopefully she says yes.
I can tell when John is having a relativly crappy day because mine are kinda the same. It sounds weird but it's true, and I am starting to learn how to not be so paranoid with things. I just hope that i can be a good enough girlfriend for him... sometime i feel like i'm not but i hope i am.
i love you john, always <3
I can tell when John is having a relativly crappy day because mine are kinda the same. It sounds weird but it's true, and I am starting to learn how to not be so paranoid with things. I just hope that i can be a good enough girlfriend for him... sometime i feel like i'm not but i hope i am.
i love you john, always <3
I Promise
I will be the sun in your sky
And I will be the one by your side
I will always be there to get you through
I will be the one who loves you
And I will be the one who comes through
I will always be here for you
Time has flown by
Leaving scars on your life
But know that there is one thing
You can always count on
Being there for your every need
Just call out to me
I will come running
I will vanquish your nightmares
Banish your fears
Heal your sorrows
And carry for you
All of your tears
Honestly I dont mind
For you I would give my life
I promise you
I will share all the good times
Help with the bad times
Shelter you from the rain
This is my promise to you
I will fight of your worries
Take all of your pain
And hide it away
Nothing will hurt you
As long as I am here
And always I will stay
I will be your helping hand
And I will be there to help you stand
I will always be there to get you through
I will be the beat of your songs
I will be there to keep you strong
I will always be here for you
This I promise to you
And I will be the one by your side
I will always be there to get you through
I will be the one who loves you
And I will be the one who comes through
I will always be here for you
Time has flown by
Leaving scars on your life
But know that there is one thing
You can always count on
Being there for your every need
Just call out to me
I will come running
I will vanquish your nightmares
Banish your fears
Heal your sorrows
And carry for you
All of your tears
Honestly I dont mind
For you I would give my life
I promise you
I will share all the good times
Help with the bad times
Shelter you from the rain
This is my promise to you
I will fight of your worries
Take all of your pain
And hide it away
Nothing will hurt you
As long as I am here
And always I will stay
I will be your helping hand
And I will be there to help you stand
I will always be there to get you through
I will be the beat of your songs
I will be there to keep you strong
I will always be here for you
This I promise to you
Untitiled poem~original by me
Through My Darkness You Came
Like the Sun's golden Light
Breaking apart the Shadows
That once held me Tight
Within the Chains of Pain and Hurt
I cried within myself at Night
But Through my Dark You Came to Me
Shining with Your Heavenly Glow
Tore me From The Shackles of Torture
Saved my From my dismal Abyss.
Now wrapped Up safe
In your Arms I'll stay,
For Heaven is Better than Hell, I'll say
No more Tears, will I weep
No More frowns my Lips will make
Only smiles, Tears of Joy
My lovely Angel, my Darling Savior
Through My Darkness You Came to Me
Like the Sun's Golden Light
Like the Sun's golden Light
Breaking apart the Shadows
That once held me Tight
Within the Chains of Pain and Hurt
I cried within myself at Night
But Through my Dark You Came to Me
Shining with Your Heavenly Glow
Tore me From The Shackles of Torture
Saved my From my dismal Abyss.
Now wrapped Up safe
In your Arms I'll stay,
For Heaven is Better than Hell, I'll say
No more Tears, will I weep
No More frowns my Lips will make
Only smiles, Tears of Joy
My lovely Angel, my Darling Savior
Through My Darkness You Came to Me
Like the Sun's Golden Light
Friday, April 22, 2011
My Guy~ an original poem by me
I want a guy
who calls me beautiful
instead of hot
who calls me back
when i hang up on him
who i can text until
3 a.m. and still have things to say to
who will kiss my nose
and hug me
who will comfort me when im hurt
who loves my quirks
and wouldn't change them for the world
who likes me without makeup
and wearing oversized t-shirts
a guy who loves me
and wants to proclaim it to the world
who is always telling me he loves me
and means it
Were I'm all he's ever wanted
and I'm all he'll ever need
I've found him. I've found my guy.
<3
who calls me beautiful
instead of hot
who calls me back
when i hang up on him
who i can text until
3 a.m. and still have things to say to
who will kiss my nose
and hug me
who will comfort me when im hurt
who loves my quirks
and wouldn't change them for the world
who likes me without makeup
and wearing oversized t-shirts
a guy who loves me
and wants to proclaim it to the world
who is always telling me he loves me
and means it
Were I'm all he's ever wanted
and I'm all he'll ever need
I've found him. I've found my guy.
<3
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Unknown Title lmao
today was a good day, sucked at my time for running because of an overboard bad cramp but other than that it was great.
there isn't that feeling of paranoya, or worry, or fear.
it's like the love that i have for john grows stronger everyday and i am so ready to spend the rest of my life with him, it's almost crazy.....
i don't know what i would do without him sometimes lol. he's my rock, my hero, my best friend, my everything.
working on some new poems but can't get a single idea finished lmao, but i'm tryin. so many emotions buzzing around in my head right now
guess that's it for this post
i love you jpmr, always
there isn't that feeling of paranoya, or worry, or fear.
it's like the love that i have for john grows stronger everyday and i am so ready to spend the rest of my life with him, it's almost crazy.....
i don't know what i would do without him sometimes lol. he's my rock, my hero, my best friend, my everything.
working on some new poems but can't get a single idea finished lmao, but i'm tryin. so many emotions buzzing around in my head right now
guess that's it for this post
i love you jpmr, always
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
dont want to lose you
My stomach ties itself in a knot,
The thoughts in my head keep spinning,
Though I try to stop,
I try to speak,
but I cannot,
the sounds come out weak,
choked and cut off.
The pain of the thoughts,
of being without you,
wash over me,
each thought killing me anew.
Tears sting my eyes,
as I finally cry out,
pain wells up inside me,
I find strength to shout.
Dont leave me!
I scream,
Im lost without you,
Your everything I need,
without you im nothing.
I hold my head in my hands,
hoping and praying,
that you hear,
these last words i whisper,
I cant lose you my dear.
The thoughts in my head keep spinning,
Though I try to stop,
I try to speak,
but I cannot,
the sounds come out weak,
choked and cut off.
The pain of the thoughts,
of being without you,
wash over me,
each thought killing me anew.
Tears sting my eyes,
as I finally cry out,
pain wells up inside me,
I find strength to shout.
Dont leave me!
I scream,
Im lost without you,
Your everything I need,
without you im nothing.
I hold my head in my hands,
hoping and praying,
that you hear,
these last words i whisper,
I cant lose you my dear.
why the fuck do i have to be the one who screws up everything?
leave it to me to be the paranoid one, the one who's afraid to lose him because of the shit that i've been through. i never want to lose him but because of Her, he's still believing that he's gonna get hurt again. what can i do to prove to him that i won't? i am at a loss of words right now. i never wanted to fail him and i feel like i am. i feel like everything that i thought i was doing to help him has only made things worse. that all i said was wrong to him, that maybe my mom is right, i'll never be good enough for someone to love. he has been the only person that i've told my deepest secret to that not even my mom knows, he has been the only one who has been able to stop me from doing things and i feel like everything that i have said he took as lies, like i was going to hurt him in someway. i am not the person who just goes with someone to get by the days with, i'm not the bitch that will just use him to get with his friends or hurt him. i'm the person who is looking for someone like me, who doesn't want to get hurt again, who wants to spend the rest of their life with me because i'm perfect to them, even with my flaws. there used to be days when i thought that i wasn't ment to be in the world, that i was just there for the world to point their fingers at and laugh at. and when i met john, that just vanished, i felt important, special, beautiful, everything i wished to feel, he gave me. everytime we would talk and say 'hypothetically' my mind went haywire with the possibilities, but i didn't say anything because he seemed to be so happy with her. and when they would have issues, i was there for him to talk to, i tried my damned best to keep them together because if he was happy, then so was i. i get the butterflies everytime someone says the name john and when he whispered he loved me at the military ball while we were dancing to "dueces" i almost collapsed because it was the most perfect thing in the world to hear. my knees get weak when i think of our first kiss sitting in the chairs waiting to take pics for the ball. and that saturday plays over and over in my head constanlty. i never thought that i would be able to have the chance to tell someone that i loved them or have the thought of staying with one person for the rest of my life, until john. he has shown me that i am beautiful and that i am perfect being me. i've never cried over anything anyone has ever said to me until john. when i think of losing him, i think of losing myself ,when i think of never seeing him, i think of no more me. it sounds so stupid but i've never felt so alive in my life. the way that john laughs steals my breath away, the way he says mahal kita makes my butterflies multiply to infinty and soar. when we were talking about kids and marriage possibilities, i was like really? someone actually loves me that much to think about that? right now the tears are pouring out of my eyes like a never ending river, my heart is in my throat and feels like it's being yanked out piece by piece, i can barely breathe and i feel like i might pass out...
i love you john, and i will do everything i can to prove to you that i'm not like the rest, that i really do care, that i really do love you...
remember, always no doubt? i ment it and everything else i've told you. don't do this to me or yourself babe. we can make it through this, it will be tough but we can. you are my best friend and the only person i don't wear a mask around. i love you so much that i would be willing to give up the rest of my life just to hear you say that you love me and that you want to make this last forever.
btw, that's what i wish for every time, twice a day at 11:11, for us to stay together forever, have kids, and grow old together.
i guess i need to go and continue crying my eyes out......
i love you john, always no doubt
i love you john, and i will do everything i can to prove to you that i'm not like the rest, that i really do care, that i really do love you...
remember, always no doubt? i ment it and everything else i've told you. don't do this to me or yourself babe. we can make it through this, it will be tough but we can. you are my best friend and the only person i don't wear a mask around. i love you so much that i would be willing to give up the rest of my life just to hear you say that you love me and that you want to make this last forever.
btw, that's what i wish for every time, twice a day at 11:11, for us to stay together forever, have kids, and grow old together.
i guess i need to go and continue crying my eyes out......
i love you john, always no doubt
Monday, April 18, 2011
Miles Apart, But Always There~ an original poem by me
If I whisper your name miles away, will you shiver?
When I close my eyes and hold myself, do you feel my warmth?
If I dream and you dream, will we be together among the stars?
When we look in a mirror, will we see each other?
I want to be with you and you want to be with me
Time and land may keep us apart
But our love, our souls, and our dreams will keep us together
Now, Always, No Doubt
<3
When I close my eyes and hold myself, do you feel my warmth?
If I dream and you dream, will we be together among the stars?
When we look in a mirror, will we see each other?
I want to be with you and you want to be with me
Time and land may keep us apart
But our love, our souls, and our dreams will keep us together
Now, Always, No Doubt
<3
Sunday, April 17, 2011
this is a poem that i wrote for a friend and i pray it never happens to me :/
The sun and the moon would still rise and fall the same,
They still do.
The stars would still twinkle,
As they do so now.
The grass would still grow,
Just like always.
The wind would still move the clouds across the never-ending sky.
And they keep moving.
The world would still go on.
And time would not stop.
It hasn't.
The world would not notice if I had to live life without you.
It didn't notice.
Everything would keep on going in the continuous cycle of life.
And it does.
The world would never notice if you were never here.
But I would.
And i still do.
Because of you my life has so much more meaning.
But that meaning is gone now.
I would notice if you were not here, my dear.
Oh, and do I ever notice.
I would miss your smile that would always be there,
I miss it so much.
I would notice the absence of your kisses,
I touch my lips wishing you were there.
Your arms always open to take me in.
But their not there anymore either...
The world may not notice if you were not here,
But I would.
And I do, oh God, I do.
Life wouldn’t be the same without you,
And it isn't.
My sun and moon wouldn’t rise the same,
They don't.
And my stars would never twinkle as bright.
They'll never twinkle again.
I wouldn’t dare to think what life would be like without you,
Here, by my side.
I don't have to imagine anymore, it's real, and it's horrible.
Love you forever and ever baby.
I still do...
They still do.
The stars would still twinkle,
As they do so now.
The grass would still grow,
Just like always.
The wind would still move the clouds across the never-ending sky.
And they keep moving.
The world would still go on.
And time would not stop.
It hasn't.
The world would not notice if I had to live life without you.
It didn't notice.
Everything would keep on going in the continuous cycle of life.
And it does.
The world would never notice if you were never here.
But I would.
And i still do.
Because of you my life has so much more meaning.
But that meaning is gone now.
I would notice if you were not here, my dear.
Oh, and do I ever notice.
I would miss your smile that would always be there,
I miss it so much.
I would notice the absence of your kisses,
I touch my lips wishing you were there.
Your arms always open to take me in.
But their not there anymore either...
The world may not notice if you were not here,
But I would.
And I do, oh God, I do.
Life wouldn’t be the same without you,
And it isn't.
My sun and moon wouldn’t rise the same,
They don't.
And my stars would never twinkle as bright.
They'll never twinkle again.
I wouldn’t dare to think what life would be like without you,
Here, by my side.
I don't have to imagine anymore, it's real, and it's horrible.
Love you forever and ever baby.
I still do...
i fucking hate my life right now!
i really fucking hate my life right now. why? because of the fucking army and having to move all the damn time
the only thing that i've ever wanted was to stay in one place, meet a guy and stay with him
well i meet the most amazing guy in the world, the only one that sees me for me, the only one that actually makes me laugh, the only one who truely loves me, the only one who has been honest with me, the only one i've ever loved...
and what do i get in return, on the most amazing night of my life, i get told that i have to fucking move! i don't want to move, i don't want to lose john
i want to spend the rest of my god damn life with him, have his kids (a girl named Hayley Lucielle and a boy named Hayden Marcelo), his last name, the stupid lil arguments over nothing with HIM. not anyone else but John Philip Marcelo Roxas.
I know that he hates long distant relationships because of all the crap he's been through and i know that it'll be hard, but why the hell not try? we've already been through some deep shit as it is and i know i don't want to lose him. and he says he doesn't want to lose me, so why the fuck not?
i can't stop crying right now because the thought of being without him is killing me.
the first time we started talking, i was like there is no way this guy could like me. and as we continued to talk, i was like am i dreaming? because this isn't real... but it is real! the fucking fairy tale is real and i don't want it to end with the bad guys ending, i want it to end with "til' death do us part"
and i don't care what happens to me along the way, but as long as i get to stay with him, i'll be happy.
I love you John. always
the only thing that i've ever wanted was to stay in one place, meet a guy and stay with him
well i meet the most amazing guy in the world, the only one that sees me for me, the only one that actually makes me laugh, the only one who truely loves me, the only one who has been honest with me, the only one i've ever loved...
and what do i get in return, on the most amazing night of my life, i get told that i have to fucking move! i don't want to move, i don't want to lose john
i want to spend the rest of my god damn life with him, have his kids (a girl named Hayley Lucielle and a boy named Hayden Marcelo), his last name, the stupid lil arguments over nothing with HIM. not anyone else but John Philip Marcelo Roxas.
I know that he hates long distant relationships because of all the crap he's been through and i know that it'll be hard, but why the hell not try? we've already been through some deep shit as it is and i know i don't want to lose him. and he says he doesn't want to lose me, so why the fuck not?
i can't stop crying right now because the thought of being without him is killing me.
the first time we started talking, i was like there is no way this guy could like me. and as we continued to talk, i was like am i dreaming? because this isn't real... but it is real! the fucking fairy tale is real and i don't want it to end with the bad guys ending, i want it to end with "til' death do us part"
and i don't care what happens to me along the way, but as long as i get to stay with him, i'll be happy.
I love you John. always
Friday, April 15, 2011
Holder of My Heart~ an original poem by me
you are the holder of my heart,
please be gentle with it,
though it has been broken shattered stabbed,
you took it,
i didnt think anyone would want it any more,
i had tried to give it to many people,
but they didnt want it....
i thought i must have been broken to many times,
for them to want it,
then i met you,
the holder of my heart,
you came to me so easy,
i just couldn't believe it at first,
you have been so kind,
you try so hard not to hurt my fragile heart,
it makes me so happy to have found you,
someone that i started to think wasn't real,
someone i know really does care for me,
i love you so much and it grows with each day,
i hope this beautiful dream never ends,
for if it did.....
i wouldn't know what i would do...
so please holder of my heart,
watch over my heart and keep it close,
for it my get lonely if u dont have it close,
one last thing keep of my heart,
thank you for loving me.
please be gentle with it,
though it has been broken shattered stabbed,
you took it,
i didnt think anyone would want it any more,
i had tried to give it to many people,
but they didnt want it....
i thought i must have been broken to many times,
for them to want it,
then i met you,
the holder of my heart,
you came to me so easy,
i just couldn't believe it at first,
you have been so kind,
you try so hard not to hurt my fragile heart,
it makes me so happy to have found you,
someone that i started to think wasn't real,
someone i know really does care for me,
i love you so much and it grows with each day,
i hope this beautiful dream never ends,
for if it did.....
i wouldn't know what i would do...
so please holder of my heart,
watch over my heart and keep it close,
for it my get lonely if u dont have it close,
one last thing keep of my heart,
thank you for loving me.
Dreaming~ an original poem by me
I lay dreaming of you.
Your warm embrace.
Your smiling face.
Wishing I could feel your kiss.
Oh, to feel that embrace.
Dreaming of our bodies intertwining.
Dreaming only of you every time I close my eyes.
Trying to stay in my dream world so I can be closer to you.
Awaking is torture.
I pray morning never comes.
Your warm embrace.
Your smiling face.
Wishing I could feel your kiss.
Oh, to feel that embrace.
Dreaming of our bodies intertwining.
Dreaming only of you every time I close my eyes.
Trying to stay in my dream world so I can be closer to you.
Awaking is torture.
I pray morning never comes.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The Beared Ninja Chuck Norris Cadence~ an original by me XD
I see a bearded ninja
He’s sitting on the hill
His name is chuck Norris
It’s roos he’s tryin to kill
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous Ki-i-ick
I was watchin infomercials
On my big tv
Chuck Norris was workin out
With Christina brinkely
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous Ki-i-ick
Ev-volution
That is just a lie
There’s only a list of animals
Chuck allows to survive
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
If you see chuck Norris
He can see you to-oo
But if you can’t find him
He’s probably right behind you
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
Chuck can cure cancer
With his te-ears
Too bad he’s never shed one
In all his years
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
Don’t ever step outta line
Cuz he’ll put you in your place
The power of one roundhouse kick
Can be seen from outerspace
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
All soldiers do the push up
But chuck will make you fro-own
When he’s in the front
He pushes the earth do-own
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
If chuck and Brusly
Fought in a du-el
Some would bet on bruse
But they’d be a fo-ol
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
Chuck Norris chu-uck
Norris chuck Nor-ris
Chuck Norris chu-uck
Norris chuck Nor-ris
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
Don’t break the law in texas
You’ll put your life in dan-ger
Chuck norris’ second job
Is walker, texas rang-er
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
Thank chuck Nor-ris
That he kept the roos away
Please come and see us marchin
Cuz’ the grey wolves lead the way
Chuck nor-or-or-oris
Round hou-ous ki-i-ick
A True Boyfriend~ an original with the help of my bestie
a true boyfriend
when she walks away from you mad
follow her
when she stares at your mouth
kiss her
when she pushes you or hits you
grab her and don't let her go
when she starts cussing at you
kiss her and tell her you love her
whe she's quiet
ask her what's wrong
when she igonres you
giver your attention
when she pulls away
pull her back
when you see her at her worst
tell her she's beautiful
when you see her start crying
just hold her and don't say a word
when you see her walking
sneak up and hug her waist from behind
when she's scared
protect her
when she lays her head on your shoulder
tilt her head up and kiss her
when she steal's your favorite hat
let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
when she teases you
tease her back and make her laugh
when she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay
when she looks at you with doubt
back yourself up
when she says that she likes you
she really does more than you could understand
when she grabs your hands
hold hers and play with her fingers
when she bumps into you
bump into her back and make her laugh
when she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold
when she looks at you in your eyes
don't looks away until she does
when she misses you
she's hurting inside
when you break her heart
the pain will never really go away
when she says it's over
she still wants to be your's
stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything when she's mad
because 10 years later, she'll remember you
call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
call her befoure you sleep and after you wake up
treat her like she's all that matters to you
tease her and let her tease you back
stay up all night with her when she's sick
watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid
give her the world
let her wear your clothers
when she's bored and sad, hang out with her
let her know she's important
kiss her in the pouring rain
when she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is, "Who's butt am I kicking, babygirl?"
Is she asks for forever, tell her eternity.
when she walks away from you mad
follow her
when she stares at your mouth
kiss her
when she pushes you or hits you
grab her and don't let her go
when she starts cussing at you
kiss her and tell her you love her
whe she's quiet
ask her what's wrong
when she igonres you
giver your attention
when she pulls away
pull her back
when you see her at her worst
tell her she's beautiful
when you see her start crying
just hold her and don't say a word
when you see her walking
sneak up and hug her waist from behind
when she's scared
protect her
when she lays her head on your shoulder
tilt her head up and kiss her
when she steal's your favorite hat
let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
when she teases you
tease her back and make her laugh
when she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay
when she looks at you with doubt
back yourself up
when she says that she likes you
she really does more than you could understand
when she grabs your hands
hold hers and play with her fingers
when she bumps into you
bump into her back and make her laugh
when she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold
when she looks at you in your eyes
don't looks away until she does
when she misses you
she's hurting inside
when you break her heart
the pain will never really go away
when she says it's over
she still wants to be your's
stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything when she's mad
because 10 years later, she'll remember you
call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
call her befoure you sleep and after you wake up
treat her like she's all that matters to you
tease her and let her tease you back
stay up all night with her when she's sick
watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid
give her the world
let her wear your clothers
when she's bored and sad, hang out with her
let her know she's important
kiss her in the pouring rain
when she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is, "Who's butt am I kicking, babygirl?"
Is she asks for forever, tell her eternity.
Our Fisrt Kiss~ an original poem by me
Our first kiss - with it You had my heart.
Our first kiss - it took me up so high.
Our first kiss - special for Me and You.
Our first kiss - I couldn't believe it was true.
Our first kiss - I never felt this way before.
Our first kiss - each day I love You even more.
Our first kiss - I was on the edge; now I will fall.
With Our first kiss
You had my soul, my mind and my heart,
So now please don't walk away from me
Please don't say Goodbye
<3
Our first kiss - it took me up so high.
Our first kiss - special for Me and You.
Our first kiss - I couldn't believe it was true.
Our first kiss - I never felt this way before.
Our first kiss - each day I love You even more.
Our first kiss - I was on the edge; now I will fall.
With Our first kiss
You had my soul, my mind and my heart,
So now please don't walk away from me
Please don't say Goodbye
<3
Him~ an original poem by me
He holds me close
against his chest
my head lies on his
sholder to rest
He smiles at me
I melt inside
I find it difficult
to hide
The way I feel
when he's with me
With him always
I want to be
He's leaning down
what should I do
He's saying softly
" I Love You"
His lips touch mine
what did I do
what have I done
It felt so nice
I love him so
I never, ever
Want to go
But we must leave
It's him I'll miss
Because he and I shared
Our Very First Kiss
against his chest
my head lies on his
sholder to rest
He smiles at me
I melt inside
I find it difficult
to hide
The way I feel
when he's with me
With him always
I want to be
He's leaning down
what should I do
He's saying softly
" I Love You"
His lips touch mine
what did I do
what have I done
It felt so nice
I love him so
I never, ever
Want to go
But we must leave
It's him I'll miss
Because he and I shared
Our Very First Kiss
I Can't Kiss~ an original poem by me
When you wrap your arms around me,
I can't help but melt inside.
My body leans against yours,
Your heart beats with mine.
You can run your fingers down my spine,
Shivers come so quickly,
There's a burning sensation inside.
There's only one thing I can't do.
I can't kiss you.
If I kissed you,
I would miss you,
From the moment
Our lips part.
If I kissed you,
I would miss you,
From the instant,
We first start.
I'll tilt my head to the side.
You can do what you'd like.
but I can't kiss your lips,
If you wont' be able to stay,
by my side tonight.
I ahve such silly questions,
pass them by with a sigh,
but if you asked me why I can't kiss you,
I'd try to explain.
If I kissed you,
I would miss you,
even though
You're still here.
If I kissed you,
Then I'd miss you,
For if you leave me toinght,
Then you might kiss
someone else.
I want to hold you,
So I told you,
What you didn't want to hear.
So I'll tilt my head to the side,
Give you freedom to do whatever you'd like.
But I can't kiss you,
Until you're mine,
Tonight.
I can't help but melt inside.
My body leans against yours,
Your heart beats with mine.
You can run your fingers down my spine,
Shivers come so quickly,
There's a burning sensation inside.
There's only one thing I can't do.
I can't kiss you.
If I kissed you,
I would miss you,
From the moment
Our lips part.
If I kissed you,
I would miss you,
From the instant,
We first start.
I'll tilt my head to the side.
You can do what you'd like.
but I can't kiss your lips,
If you wont' be able to stay,
by my side tonight.
I ahve such silly questions,
pass them by with a sigh,
but if you asked me why I can't kiss you,
I'd try to explain.
If I kissed you,
I would miss you,
even though
You're still here.
If I kissed you,
Then I'd miss you,
For if you leave me toinght,
Then you might kiss
someone else.
I want to hold you,
So I told you,
What you didn't want to hear.
So I'll tilt my head to the side,
Give you freedom to do whatever you'd like.
But I can't kiss you,
Until you're mine,
Tonight.
Your Kiss~ an original poem by me
I remember the way you first kissed me.
It was unexpected and sudden.
I had no time to think, just act.
It was anything but bittersweet.
Your lips were soft, you held me to ou.
I didn't want to ever pull way.
There's no way I could describe what I was
feeling
During the moment, you pulled me towards
you and kissed me.
Just happy and unexpectedly perfection
It was unexpected and sudden.
I had no time to think, just act.
It was anything but bittersweet.
Your lips were soft, you held me to ou.
I didn't want to ever pull way.
There's no way I could describe what I was
feeling
During the moment, you pulled me towards
you and kissed me.
Just happy and unexpectedly perfection
Just One Kiss~ an original poem by me
Let it be our first
Our last.
Started by false words,
With false hopes.
Let your need, your want,
Pulse through me.
Kiss me.
I want the memory of you
Stained,
Upon my lips,
So please forgive me.
If i pause to take you in.
In passion,
In hate.
In sweet, sweet surrender.
Give yourself to me.
Want me,
A little too much,
Fot that moment.
Let me know what I,
Can never have.
Or let me know,
What is the start.
Hold me,
A little too close.
And when the times comes for air
To become the thing,
To pass our lips,
I'll wonder only one thing
Will you love me,
A little too much.
Or hurt me,
A little too deep?
Our last.
Started by false words,
With false hopes.
Let your need, your want,
Pulse through me.
Kiss me.
I want the memory of you
Stained,
Upon my lips,
So please forgive me.
If i pause to take you in.
In passion,
In hate.
In sweet, sweet surrender.
Give yourself to me.
Want me,
A little too much,
Fot that moment.
Let me know what I,
Can never have.
Or let me know,
What is the start.
Hold me,
A little too close.
And when the times comes for air
To become the thing,
To pass our lips,
I'll wonder only one thing
Will you love me,
A little too much.
Or hurt me,
A little too deep?
Lost~ an original poem by me
Although we stand just inches apart,
I feel you slipping away.
You won't understand this loss I feel,
So I can't beg you to stay.
To the untrained eye you look the same,
Your smile, the way you dress,
But there's a siclence between us now,
that makes our friendship cound for less.
You were always there to help me,
stood by me through thick and thin,
When the rest of the world turned, I pulled away,
You were the one I let in,
So why, now, do you shut me out,
Like I don't exist at all?
I want to be there to listen,
And catch you when you fall.
I can't find the words to tell you this,
So I'll write it down instead,
Confide it to a little book,
Which stays hidden beneath my bed.
Perhaps one day you'll read this,
And then you'll finally know,
Know how much I'll never miss you
And how you hurt me so.
I feel you slipping away.
You won't understand this loss I feel,
So I can't beg you to stay.
To the untrained eye you look the same,
Your smile, the way you dress,
But there's a siclence between us now,
that makes our friendship cound for less.
You were always there to help me,
stood by me through thick and thin,
When the rest of the world turned, I pulled away,
You were the one I let in,
So why, now, do you shut me out,
Like I don't exist at all?
I want to be there to listen,
And catch you when you fall.
I can't find the words to tell you this,
So I'll write it down instead,
Confide it to a little book,
Which stays hidden beneath my bed.
Perhaps one day you'll read this,
And then you'll finally know,
Know how much I'll never miss you
And how you hurt me so.
Should Have~ an original poem by me
I should have kissed your cheek,
found my words to finally speak
I never should have let you go,
Once our dance was done
But at the end of the night
I felt like I had won
Because you seemed to me
Like somebody I'd known forever
I should have held you closer-but...
You just, made me feel like I was riding
a roller-coaster
I should have never let you go
Once that dance was over
I still recall your gentle voice in my ear
As you caught me, and said you wouldn't let
me fall
Once I saw your smile
I was dazed for a little while
I should have told you how much
You touched my heart
I never should have let you go
Once that song was up
I can picture your eyes looking into mine
Even the memory of you gives me
butterflies
i should have admit you drove me crazy
And I'd do anything to be that girl you've
always dreamed about
I never should have let you go
Once that song was up
At the end of that dance
You made my knees buckle and bow
And I well weak to my heart once you looked
at me
That's waht I should let you know
Is that I never want to let you go
found my words to finally speak
I never should have let you go,
Once our dance was done
But at the end of the night
I felt like I had won
Because you seemed to me
Like somebody I'd known forever
I should have held you closer-but...
You just, made me feel like I was riding
a roller-coaster
I should have never let you go
Once that dance was over
I still recall your gentle voice in my ear
As you caught me, and said you wouldn't let
me fall
Once I saw your smile
I was dazed for a little while
I should have told you how much
You touched my heart
I never should have let you go
Once that song was up
I can picture your eyes looking into mine
Even the memory of you gives me
butterflies
i should have admit you drove me crazy
And I'd do anything to be that girl you've
always dreamed about
I never should have let you go
Once that song was up
At the end of that dance
You made my knees buckle and bow
And I well weak to my heart once you looked
at me
That's waht I should let you know
Is that I never want to let you go
Blood-Drenched Paper~ an original poem by me
Wordless and pitiful, this fool can't deny
The emptiness hollowed out deep in my mind
Nothing will redeem these broken thoughts
and nothingness is all I have, I'm so damn lost
I can't remember how to sleep anymore
I can not recall the taste of oxygen or law
Only the blood that was spilled from my mouth
As I choked upon the words that threw me down
How am I still living without my heart?
How is it that I can stand when I fell apart?
Truth is that I am gone, deep in the dirt
A place where I cannot think; where I'm safe from hurt
I can't recall a way to speak anything
That does not remind me of every single thing
The dry blood across my skin will not be washed away
And whatever else I try to hide has stained all I say
Collapsing into a mess upon the kitchen floor
Fearing to even walk out of my bedroom door
The sun burns away every place I can cry
And the moon delivers another thousand lies
How can I ever hope to breathe and sleep again
when every single breath I take turns dreams into pain?
the stains of blood are punishment fro all that I said
And nothingness has carved your face deep within my head
Wordless and pitiful, the things I will write
The deepening eternity of every lonely night
The broken thoughts accompany a song that always plays
I've lost you forever, but this music will remain
The emptiness hollowed out deep in my mind
Nothing will redeem these broken thoughts
and nothingness is all I have, I'm so damn lost
I can't remember how to sleep anymore
I can not recall the taste of oxygen or law
Only the blood that was spilled from my mouth
As I choked upon the words that threw me down
How am I still living without my heart?
How is it that I can stand when I fell apart?
Truth is that I am gone, deep in the dirt
A place where I cannot think; where I'm safe from hurt
I can't recall a way to speak anything
That does not remind me of every single thing
The dry blood across my skin will not be washed away
And whatever else I try to hide has stained all I say
Collapsing into a mess upon the kitchen floor
Fearing to even walk out of my bedroom door
The sun burns away every place I can cry
And the moon delivers another thousand lies
How can I ever hope to breathe and sleep again
when every single breath I take turns dreams into pain?
the stains of blood are punishment fro all that I said
And nothingness has carved your face deep within my head
Wordless and pitiful, the things I will write
The deepening eternity of every lonely night
The broken thoughts accompany a song that always plays
I've lost you forever, but this music will remain
Last Time~ an original poem by me
You could have told me,
Saved me from the pain...
Saved me three wasted years...
You could have told me you didn't care,
That my pain was comedy to you...
That my feelings ment nothing...
But I realize that the truth now,
I no longer even wish to know you,
That horrid guy that you call yourself.
Your furture is clear,
You'll be the same as you are now...
An uncaring person,
Breaking the heart of any fool who dares
feel for you...
You're already working on another one...
You'll push your friends too far,
And they'll hate you as well...
Friends...
I should have never even considered you as a
friend,
And your current freinds...
Saved me from the pain...
Saved me three wasted years...
You could have told me you didn't care,
That my pain was comedy to you...
That my feelings ment nothing...
But I realize that the truth now,
I no longer even wish to know you,
That horrid guy that you call yourself.
Your furture is clear,
You'll be the same as you are now...
An uncaring person,
Breaking the heart of any fool who dares
feel for you...
You're already working on another one...
You'll push your friends too far,
And they'll hate you as well...
Friends...
I should have never even considered you as a
friend,
And your current freinds...
Trust~ an original poem by me
Why didn't you tell me
You didn't want to be with
me?
Instead of lying and making
me think
That you weren't ready of
anything
You mislead me
And I don't know why
I guess I just don't mean
anything
I'm just a friend in your eyes
Maybe I should stop trying
Since you'll never want me
anyway
Don't even try and look at
me differently
I'm not worth much
So don't try and make
yourself believe
That you love me
Because you know you don't
Don't bother lying to yourself
Throw away your guilt
I'll admit it hurt like hell
To learn the truth
From someone other than
yourself
Babe you know I perfer the truth
I love you and forgive you
But I'll never be enough for
you
Admit it
I'm not good enough to be
with you
I don't deserve you
I know all these things
And so do you
But you won't admit it
At least not to me
I don't understand why you
lied to me
Lying destroys trust
And ends love
It's obvious I don't mean all
that much
Since you still lie to me about
everything
I give up
I see now there is no hope
for us
If you want to keep me
I suggest you be honest with
me
Don't lie to me
It's a turn off
Earn back my trust
With love and honesty
It will prove
That you actually care for me
Choose wisely
Save it,
Or destroy everything.
You didn't want to be with
me?
Instead of lying and making
me think
That you weren't ready of
anything
You mislead me
And I don't know why
I guess I just don't mean
anything
I'm just a friend in your eyes
Maybe I should stop trying
Since you'll never want me
anyway
Don't even try and look at
me differently
I'm not worth much
So don't try and make
yourself believe
That you love me
Because you know you don't
Don't bother lying to yourself
Throw away your guilt
I'll admit it hurt like hell
To learn the truth
From someone other than
yourself
Babe you know I perfer the truth
I love you and forgive you
But I'll never be enough for
you
Admit it
I'm not good enough to be
with you
I don't deserve you
I know all these things
And so do you
But you won't admit it
At least not to me
I don't understand why you
lied to me
Lying destroys trust
And ends love
It's obvious I don't mean all
that much
Since you still lie to me about
everything
I give up
I see now there is no hope
for us
If you want to keep me
I suggest you be honest with
me
Don't lie to me
It's a turn off
Earn back my trust
With love and honesty
It will prove
That you actually care for me
Choose wisely
Save it,
Or destroy everything.
Break My Heart~ an original poem by me
My darling,
There used to be a world where we existed
together.
There used to be a life where you and I held
hands down the hall
and you would hold me while I slept.
You used to be my confidant.
You used to be my everything.
Everyday.
Every time.
Every heart beat.
You used to be by my side.
You used to be with me.
In the old world we were inseperable.
In the old world we practically lived
together.
Then you left.
She told you that we were just pain for each
other.
I started to think it was true.
So we gave up.
We have up on each other.
We have up on that old world.
I left it all behind.
I thought that by leaving,
by physically leaving,
the pain would finally stop.
But it seems that I was wrong.
Because you've followed me home.
You know where I'm hiding and you've
dicided to come.
You are going to invade my place of
sanctuary.
You're going to break my wall.
I wish you wouldn't
I can't ever see you again,
because if I do,
you will
break
my
heart.
There used to be a world where we existed
together.
There used to be a life where you and I held
hands down the hall
and you would hold me while I slept.
You used to be my confidant.
You used to be my everything.
Everyday.
Every time.
Every heart beat.
You used to be by my side.
You used to be with me.
In the old world we were inseperable.
In the old world we practically lived
together.
Then you left.
She told you that we were just pain for each
other.
I started to think it was true.
So we gave up.
We have up on each other.
We have up on that old world.
I left it all behind.
I thought that by leaving,
by physically leaving,
the pain would finally stop.
But it seems that I was wrong.
Because you've followed me home.
You know where I'm hiding and you've
dicided to come.
You are going to invade my place of
sanctuary.
You're going to break my wall.
I wish you wouldn't
I can't ever see you again,
because if I do,
you will
break
my
heart.
Pieces~ and original poem by me
My heart has been torn to pieces,
the love I had for you is gone away,
Your face haunts me
Your voice kills me softly,
All your lies turned to knifes,
I once stood so tall,
But now I'm lying bleeding on my bedroom
floor
You knew my tendency to crash,
How easily my heart could be burned,
My shadows close in around me,
You kept them at bay,
But now the truth of what you are invites
them inside
I just want to back in time,
To before I loved you and before you lied,
The gray of my life before, still stretching
tendrils of twilight
would be a sweet relief from the pitch black
of night inside me now,
My burning soul cries out in pain,
Dripping lines of blood the colour of the
flames
Why did I need you so much?
what drug did you give me that so
bewitched my heart?
I have you all I had,
Now I'm empty, all used up,
all that remains inside me are fire and
shadows,
Look deep into my eyes,
The emptiness hasn't ravaged me for the last
time
the love I had for you is gone away,
Your face haunts me
Your voice kills me softly,
All your lies turned to knifes,
I once stood so tall,
But now I'm lying bleeding on my bedroom
floor
You knew my tendency to crash,
How easily my heart could be burned,
My shadows close in around me,
You kept them at bay,
But now the truth of what you are invites
them inside
I just want to back in time,
To before I loved you and before you lied,
The gray of my life before, still stretching
tendrils of twilight
would be a sweet relief from the pitch black
of night inside me now,
My burning soul cries out in pain,
Dripping lines of blood the colour of the
flames
Why did I need you so much?
what drug did you give me that so
bewitched my heart?
I have you all I had,
Now I'm empty, all used up,
all that remains inside me are fire and
shadows,
Look deep into my eyes,
The emptiness hasn't ravaged me for the last
time
Unspoken Words~ an original poem by me
Those few words you said
I have to admit,
they made my day,
Without saying 'I Love You'
You said,
All that needed to be said,
And you put a smile on my face,
Before I went to sleep that day,
And for now,
I don't regret,
Meeting you in that place,
Where it all began,
And even if I don't know,
If, or when it's going to end,
For now,
I'm content,
With the words you said,
That one day.
I have to admit,
they made my day,
Without saying 'I Love You'
You said,
All that needed to be said,
And you put a smile on my face,
Before I went to sleep that day,
And for now,
I don't regret,
Meeting you in that place,
Where it all began,
And even if I don't know,
If, or when it's going to end,
For now,
I'm content,
With the words you said,
That one day.
Crying the Happiest Tears~ an origianl poem by me
I cried the happiest tears last night
I get the butterflies when I think of us together
I blush when you tell me I'm beautiful
I smile when you tell me I'm cute
I have never met anyone else like you
Who excepts me for the way I am
I really hope that someday...
We will be more than just friends
I want to tell you I Love You...
But I don't want to move too fast
I want you to know that I long for you
I hope this feeling will forever last
I get the butterflies when I think of us together
I blush when you tell me I'm beautiful
I smile when you tell me I'm cute
I have never met anyone else like you
Who excepts me for the way I am
I really hope that someday...
We will be more than just friends
I want to tell you I Love You...
But I don't want to move too fast
I want you to know that I long for you
I hope this feeling will forever last
Monday, April 11, 2011
first post
i figured i'd give this a shot... never done this before for people to read and i guess it will be a lil easier for me instead of writing everything out....
today was a long day. and last week was a long week as well
where should i start off with for the week? i guess i could go back one week before. johny was having some issues with Her and i was doing the best i could to help, talk to him and try to give him some advice on what might be going on/ what to do. It ended and i felt like it was my fault in a way. i say this because i'm one of those weirdos who makes the wish every night at 11:11 and hopes that it comes true, and when i first met johny, i wished that we would be together one day.... and then when he told me that they were done, i was devestated in my heart but my mind was like yes (btw, i have a constant struggle with my heart and my mind). so after that, it was close to the military ball (2 arpil 2011) and my and johny had been talkin "hypothetically" jokin around with things that led to serious talk....
that night at the ball was the best night of my life to come. i was soooo nervous about seeing him and when we did see each other, it was an epic hug. that night was alsog the night that he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way ever, the night of our first kiss after he asked me (while sitting in some chairs in line for pics), the night of our first makeout (closer to getting pics taken by a colum) and the night that i got completely lost in his eyes.
That night was also the night that i realized that someone actually liked me for all of me, not just for looks (which i have none), not just for the way i am sometimes, and not just to get with my best friend.... that night, i realized that there is a such thing as life, love, hope, happiness, etc. and i don't think i would have ever been able to realize that without him... Johny, if you happen to read this, I love you always no doubt
Then after that saturday, monday and tuesday flew by, i was in such a daze, blinded by love and by the thought of him and that night...
then on wednesday afternoon, i was informed of something that CRUSHED my heart... he cheated on me. I never thought it could happen but it did... randomly, some chik messages me on fb and tells me this story about what happened and of course i was in shock, doubt, etc... i couldn't breathe and i actually stopped breathing for a minute. i couldn't stop crying and my heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest. i made a status on fb and someone from heights messaged back to me askin if it was about john, i said yeah and he gave me the whole story that he heard floating around school... so i got up the courage to ask john for my self... after about 15 minutes of begging and pleading if it was true or not he told me the truth....
i forgave him for 3 reasons : 1) i believe in second chances
2) everyone has their flaws and his showed that day, and he removed them
3) he has had my heart for years, i just never knew about it until now
so now that all the drama has gone away, it's been one week as of yesterday and it seems like it's been months.... i can't go one minute without thinking about him, i slip up and call some of my friends john, and i wonder about the future
i was completely devestated when i was told that we were going to be moving at the end of the year... go figure, i get told. "yeah, we're gonna stay here until you graduate" and then on the best night of my life, i get told we're moving... the thing is is i don't want to loose john, i don't want to leave him and i never want to spend one more second without him.... i know it sounds stupid to hear someone at 16 say that they're completely in love with someone, but i don't care what others think, i know i'm in love. i know that i've been happier, been alive, been myself ever since john and i just started talking... he, for some reason i can't imagine, sees all of my flaws as beautiful. he says he loves my eyes and how they change colours. he tells me so many things that just make me feel soo much better about myself, it's undescribbable...
i just don't know what to do. i don't want to have just 2 months with the only person who is like the perfect match for me, i want to have the rest of my life with him... the only thing that we need to make this work is for him to completely trust me and know that i won't hurt him like all the others have, i'm different, i actually care about him. i want to show him that we can make long distance work because i love him so much and i've never felt more alive in my life.
and honestly, i know, once again, you may think it's just stupid teenage crap, that i can see spending the rest of my life with my johnybear... growing old, watchin our kids, grandkids, and greatgrand kids grow up etc.
god, if you really are there, please give me this ONE thing that i've ever asked for, and the only thing that i'll ever ask for; please let me and john stay together through out as long as i live... and please make sure that i die a day before he does so that i don't have to endure living one day without him if you do allow us to stay together...oh and btw, even if you try to tear us apart in some way, i know we're gonna make it
guess that's it for my first posting... it's a lot but ehh, some may be a hell of a lot longer and some super short...
<3 I love you John Philip Marcelo Roxas, always no doubt <3
today was a long day. and last week was a long week as well
where should i start off with for the week? i guess i could go back one week before. johny was having some issues with Her and i was doing the best i could to help, talk to him and try to give him some advice on what might be going on/ what to do. It ended and i felt like it was my fault in a way. i say this because i'm one of those weirdos who makes the wish every night at 11:11 and hopes that it comes true, and when i first met johny, i wished that we would be together one day.... and then when he told me that they were done, i was devestated in my heart but my mind was like yes (btw, i have a constant struggle with my heart and my mind). so after that, it was close to the military ball (2 arpil 2011) and my and johny had been talkin "hypothetically" jokin around with things that led to serious talk....
that night at the ball was the best night of my life to come. i was soooo nervous about seeing him and when we did see each other, it was an epic hug. that night was alsog the night that he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way ever, the night of our first kiss after he asked me (while sitting in some chairs in line for pics), the night of our first makeout (closer to getting pics taken by a colum) and the night that i got completely lost in his eyes.
That night was also the night that i realized that someone actually liked me for all of me, not just for looks (which i have none), not just for the way i am sometimes, and not just to get with my best friend.... that night, i realized that there is a such thing as life, love, hope, happiness, etc. and i don't think i would have ever been able to realize that without him... Johny, if you happen to read this, I love you always no doubt
Then after that saturday, monday and tuesday flew by, i was in such a daze, blinded by love and by the thought of him and that night...
then on wednesday afternoon, i was informed of something that CRUSHED my heart... he cheated on me. I never thought it could happen but it did... randomly, some chik messages me on fb and tells me this story about what happened and of course i was in shock, doubt, etc... i couldn't breathe and i actually stopped breathing for a minute. i couldn't stop crying and my heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest. i made a status on fb and someone from heights messaged back to me askin if it was about john, i said yeah and he gave me the whole story that he heard floating around school... so i got up the courage to ask john for my self... after about 15 minutes of begging and pleading if it was true or not he told me the truth....
i forgave him for 3 reasons : 1) i believe in second chances
2) everyone has their flaws and his showed that day, and he removed them
3) he has had my heart for years, i just never knew about it until now
so now that all the drama has gone away, it's been one week as of yesterday and it seems like it's been months.... i can't go one minute without thinking about him, i slip up and call some of my friends john, and i wonder about the future
i was completely devestated when i was told that we were going to be moving at the end of the year... go figure, i get told. "yeah, we're gonna stay here until you graduate" and then on the best night of my life, i get told we're moving... the thing is is i don't want to loose john, i don't want to leave him and i never want to spend one more second without him.... i know it sounds stupid to hear someone at 16 say that they're completely in love with someone, but i don't care what others think, i know i'm in love. i know that i've been happier, been alive, been myself ever since john and i just started talking... he, for some reason i can't imagine, sees all of my flaws as beautiful. he says he loves my eyes and how they change colours. he tells me so many things that just make me feel soo much better about myself, it's undescribbable...
i just don't know what to do. i don't want to have just 2 months with the only person who is like the perfect match for me, i want to have the rest of my life with him... the only thing that we need to make this work is for him to completely trust me and know that i won't hurt him like all the others have, i'm different, i actually care about him. i want to show him that we can make long distance work because i love him so much and i've never felt more alive in my life.
and honestly, i know, once again, you may think it's just stupid teenage crap, that i can see spending the rest of my life with my johnybear... growing old, watchin our kids, grandkids, and greatgrand kids grow up etc.
god, if you really are there, please give me this ONE thing that i've ever asked for, and the only thing that i'll ever ask for; please let me and john stay together through out as long as i live... and please make sure that i die a day before he does so that i don't have to endure living one day without him if you do allow us to stay together...oh and btw, even if you try to tear us apart in some way, i know we're gonna make it
guess that's it for my first posting... it's a lot but ehh, some may be a hell of a lot longer and some super short...
<3 I love you John Philip Marcelo Roxas, always no doubt <3
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