leave it to me to be the paranoid one, the one who's afraid to lose him because of the shit that i've been through. i never want to lose him but because of Her, he's still believing that he's gonna get hurt again. what can i do to prove to him that i won't? i am at a loss of words right now. i never wanted to fail him and i feel like i am. i feel like everything that i thought i was doing to help him has only made things worse. that all i said was wrong to him, that maybe my mom is right, i'll never be good enough for someone to love. he has been the only person that i've told my deepest secret to that not even my mom knows, he has been the only one who has been able to stop me from doing things and i feel like everything that i have said he took as lies, like i was going to hurt him in someway. i am not the person who just goes with someone to get by the days with, i'm not the bitch that will just use him to get with his friends or hurt him. i'm the person who is looking for someone like me, who doesn't want to get hurt again, who wants to spend the rest of their life with me because i'm perfect to them, even with my flaws. there used to be days when i thought that i wasn't ment to be in the world, that i was just there for the world to point their fingers at and laugh at. and when i met john, that just vanished, i felt important, special, beautiful, everything i wished to feel, he gave me. everytime we would talk and say 'hypothetically' my mind went haywire with the possibilities, but i didn't say anything because he seemed to be so happy with her. and when they would have issues, i was there for him to talk to, i tried my damned best to keep them together because if he was happy, then so was i. i get the butterflies everytime someone says the name john and when he whispered he loved me at the military ball while we were dancing to "dueces" i almost collapsed because it was the most perfect thing in the world to hear. my knees get weak when i think of our first kiss sitting in the chairs waiting to take pics for the ball. and that saturday plays over and over in my head constanlty. i never thought that i would be able to have the chance to tell someone that i loved them or have the thought of staying with one person for the rest of my life, until john. he has shown me that i am beautiful and that i am perfect being me. i've never cried over anything anyone has ever said to me until john. when i think of losing him, i think of losing myself ,when i think of never seeing him, i think of no more me. it sounds so stupid but i've never felt so alive in my life. the way that john laughs steals my breath away, the way he says mahal kita makes my butterflies multiply to infinty and soar. when we were talking about kids and marriage possibilities, i was like really? someone actually loves me that much to think about that? right now the tears are pouring out of my eyes like a never ending river, my heart is in my throat and feels like it's being yanked out piece by piece, i can barely breathe and i feel like i might pass out...
i love you john, and i will do everything i can to prove to you that i'm not like the rest, that i really do care, that i really do love you...
remember, always no doubt? i ment it and everything else i've told you. don't do this to me or yourself babe. we can make it through this, it will be tough but we can. you are my best friend and the only person i don't wear a mask around. i love you so much that i would be willing to give up the rest of my life just to hear you say that you love me and that you want to make this last forever.
btw, that's what i wish for every time, twice a day at 11:11, for us to stay together forever, have kids, and grow old together.
i guess i need to go and continue crying my eyes out......
i love you john, always no doubt
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