it's official... i've lost everything
i put everything on the line just to be with him, hell just to help him get over Her. and what do i get in return? his sis thinks that i'm clingy and they both think that it was just a rebound relationship... and if that was really true, then why the fuck did he start his "hypothetical" talks with me. and why the fuck did he wait until 2 DAYS BEFORE A MONTH?????
i had a fucking panic attack this morning. i log onto facebook and the first thing that comes up onto my news feed is "johny roxas went from in a relationship to being single".
everyone except one perosn, Noah W. (who i barly know) told me today that he wasn't good for me. really? i was so much happier, alive, free when i was with him. and if he wasn't any good, why didn't you tell me before?
i honestly can't take this anymore. I FUCKING LOVE YOU JOHN, i put everything on the line for you, everything. i promised you things that i inteneded to keep, and saying that "I love you" is something that i don't say just for the hell of it. and you say that "you don't know if you really love me or not" wtf!?! you can't do that to someone, especially with the shit that i've been through, with your pittiful 9m whatever # days, i had a 3 year,7 month, 6 day relationship, and it hurt a lot for it to end, but i realized after 2 months that he was only trying to hurt me and get with my best friend. idk why you couldn't wrap it around your head that i wasn't going to hurt you, ever. that i was always there for you when She wasn't. that i never thought about cheating or anyother person when i started talking to you. that i wiped out all of the past just to start over again and be with you. i blocked out people so that i wouldn't hear their plees for me to not be with you, i ignored the signs that it was too early when you asked me at the ball. i should have just said no to you. i should have known that this was going to happen, because i don't know why the fuck i was expecting to get a break from life, or actually believe that wishing at 11:11 every night was going to work. when we first started talking, i would wish to be your girlfriend, and after we got together, i wished for nothing to ever happen to us.
you promised me sooo many things and i was foolish to believe that you would follow through because i knew, once again, it was too early.
maybe my mom is right, i'll end up all alone because no one can ever put up with a stupid, ugly and strong minded person like me.
the one ray of light that i get in my life was extinguished this morning, and i find out through FB?
childish on the highest level.
i love you john, and i always will. i will be praying for the day that you come back becaue you are the only person that i've ever connected to like i did. you are the only one who sees the real me, who cared for me when i needed someone there. the only guy my parents liked
and you wanna know what really topped it all off? my mom pulled out the military ball pics about 2 hours ago and said, "you know, i wouldn't mind if john asked you to be his girlfriend"
and remember all the things we talked about late at night? about growing old together? was it all just lies? was it just to see how far you could push me over the edge when you ended it?
i don't understand.
UGH!!!! i wish i could just fucking go away. is there someone trying to tell me that i really don't belong here? or are you just trying to get a good laugh?
John, please come back.
always, no doubt, remember that?
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