thoughts over the past few days

have you ever just sat down and thought about life... your past, your present, your future? well this post may be a long one so if you're reading it, i feel sorry for you lol... these are all thoughts from the past couple of days coming out

looking back on the past:
i was watching the neighbors playing with their son in the back yard and i wondered, where was my childhood? i never really had one when i think about it. i never had time to play out side, i didn't have any friends, i wasn't liked, i was never the one with the clothes from the mall, etc. i was the girl that had to be an adult in my "childhood"... i was cooking and cleaning by the time i was 9. i had to watch my lil bro while my older sis and older bro went to visit their biological father for the weekends that they saw him while my mom worked; i was put into advanced classes and was piled down with homework; i never had any gaming system; i didn't go to sleepovers or birthday parties (mostly because i wasn't invited); i never threw any of them either; there were some BIG issues that happened when i was in 2nd grade, and i mean BIG; my older sis and bro decided to live with their biological father and left the family; my step dad asked my mom to marry him and we were put back into the life of the army (my mom is an army veterian); moved to new york 3 weeks into 4th grade year, spent 3 months in a hotel and missed those months for school, found a school, stayed there for about half the year and moved back down to georgia for the rest of 4th grade year; lived on an (ch)air force base for 4 years being made fun of, ridiculed, mocked, pushed, etc. the whole time... hit a major tomboy stage in 7th grade because of it... the day of school ending in 7th grade, we hit the road and move out here in texas. 8th grade is where i found myself again, but i was still made fun of, rumors started, etc. it's where i figured out that i really did hate being a teenager and that the school years are going to drag on... i still didn't wear clothes from the mall, didn't have any real friends, wasn't liked, the one who had homework done ahead of time and new everything before everyone else, etc.; didn't really have anything
got my first phone freshman year, a prehistoric sprint katana that barly works and is only for "emergencies"; etc.

Present:
wow... the present. my dreams and wishes are starting to come true, but not all of them.
the ones that are coming true: i found out that i can be a pilot for the army; i am in advanced classes and have some people in them that have the same knowledge level as me (not lower); i have 4 great and amazing friends that are always there for me when i need it (yes, this includes john); I FELL IN LOVE/ I'M IN LOVE with John Philip Marcelo Roxas (the only guy that i can be my full self with, the only one i feel beautiful around, the only one i trust, the only one i've ever told i love you to, the only one i can't stop thinking about, the only one i've kept the promise to not do something with, the only one that makes my shitty days great days, the only one my parents like, the only one my lil bro likes, the only one who is there for me not matter what, the only one who admitted to cheating and has kept his promises made for his second chance, the only one that i've allowed to look into my heart, the only one who has ever had my heart, the list goes on and on and on..... I Love You John Philip Marcelo Roxas, always.); i have learned how to ignore stupidity and keep my mouth shut; i've been writing some pretty good poems/songs; i've learned how to accept my flaws for what they are and i don't try to hide them anymore; i feel comfortable with being me now; i (thanks to John) love my middle name, Elaine; i have a bestie named Jenna Lynn Cunningham; etc.

Not come true: support from my family; one week without some form of drama; my mom caring about me a lil and not just my lil bro; my dad not being deployed for my b'day (he's been gone for every birthday i've had since i was 9); cancer cure; my own profit free foundation for reoccuring small cell lung cancer; ect

Future: there are a lot of things that i can see in my future...  i know i need to get a job and start saving money for the car that i want; i plan on living with John my senior year; i would love to be engaged to him soon, not just be his girlfriend, but his love for life; graduate with honors; get my career of being a U.S. Army Pilot (flying helicoptors) for at least 6 years; getting married to a soldier, having at least 2 kids ( one girl [Hayley Lucielle] and one boy [Hayden Marcelo] ); becoming a stay-at-home mom taking care of the kids and supporting my hubby; and to go into detail with the marriage thing, i would LOVE to spend the rest of my life with John, marry him, have his kids, watch our family grow, and grow old with him; i want to have a honeymoon in the Philippines and maybe live there when my hubby retires from the military; i want to die next to the one i love before he dies because i would never be able to live one day with out him; i don't want people to be sad at my funeral, i want them to be happy, to celebrate the life that we shared in what ever way it was, to remember the good times and not worry because i'd only be in a better place; etc

the lists can go on but i guess that's all i'll put on here for the past, present and future listing.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that when i look back on the past and see the crappy childhood that i had, i think that i'm glad i went through all the shit i went through because it's only made me a stronger, better person, and i dont' regret doing anything that i've done because i wouldn't be where i'm at if i hadn't done the things i did. when i look at the present, i am pretty level headed and down to earth, i don't judge people by what they do but by who they are, i love that i found "The One"/ my other half because i've been soooo happy since 2 April, 2011 at the Shoemaker Military Ball, waiting in line, sitting in a couple of chairs for the pictures..... and when i think about the future, and think about what John and I have talked about, i feel like i have a purpose in life now and that it can work.

If you read this John, I love you sooo much, and you know how you say that i pulled you out of a dark hole? well you pulled me out of a dark life, one that i thought about ending multiple times, one that i thought i'd be stuck in for forever; you put life into me. i don't know what i'd do without you babe, you're my best friend, my love, my everything. and i'm willing to wait for you, i'm willing to spend the rest of my life with you, i'm willing to do anything for you, always. there isn't anything in this world that will ever change my mind about that.

<3 2 April, 2011, Always <3